A few days ago, I went in to have a discussion with the priest I’ve been meeting with about this whole “Catholic Conversion Thing”.
I had decided I didn’t want to be Catholic anymore.
Too many rules. Too much judgment and condemnation. Too little grace and mercy.
I was going to lay out my arguments in a clear, concise manner. He would be shocked at my lack of faith and reverence, and order me out of his office never to return. He would slam the door in my face while yelling, “And don’t bother coming back for Mass either!” I would effectively be banished from the Catholic church, and be faced with an eternity of church-hopping. I’d check out the Baptist church for a few months, try a non-denominational one for a few more, maybe check out an Evangelical Lutheran gig… You know, the usual rigamarole for most Protestants.
But when I sat down to talk with the priest, he was annoyingly understanding. He started out by saying I was under “no obligation” to convert. He told me to keep doing what I was doing… seeking God’s will and growing closer with Him. He told me I didn’t have to stop coming to Mass if I enjoyed it. And then… THEN the dude actually had the audacity to clear up some of my concerns with logical, rational reasoning! (I KNOW! Who does he think he is?!)
All the while I’m sitting there, silently screaming, “NOooooooooo! You’re not supposed to be this cool about it! You’re supposed to be enraged and rude, therefore making this decision EASIER. Instead you’re making me THINK about things again! I was finally done thinking. My Protestant counterparts were no longer worried about my salvation. Now look what you’ve done! I’m back where I started. DANG IT.”
Because I knew… I knew… that I wasn’t done with the searching, the seeking, the investigating, the excavating. Because I knew there were too many things I still loved and admired about the Catholic church. I knew I couldn’t give up going to Mass. I knew I couldn’t just drop everything without first figuring out what it was that was drawing me to all things Catholic.
And so here I am. Back at the beginning. Back where I started. After a rush decision based on a bad week and trying to please other people, I was back to where I knew I needed to be.
Seeking the truth.