I don’t know if this has come across in any of my writing, but I tend to be a major control freak.
As in, I must take care of everyone and everything including those things that are not my concern because inevitably someone is going to drop the ball on something and the sky will fall and the world will erupt into mass chaos.
Unless, of course, I’m allowed to be in control.
I don’t even know how I got to be this way. Youngest children aren’t usually control freaks. Youngest children aren’t the hyper-responsible, take control, high-achieving types. They’re usually the go-with-the flow, laid-back, “someone else will take care of it” types. I don’t know which gene was switched on at birth, but apparently, I have yet to experience the luxury of functioning like a typical youngest child. It’s honestly exhausting. I literally exhaust myself.
“Why are you always so tired?”
“BECAUSE, I AM TRYING TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING AND RIGHT NOW YOU’RE DISTRACTING ME WITH YOUR INANE QUESTIONS, SO IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE AN ACTUAL JOB TO GET BACK TO… YOU KNOW… “CONTROLLER OF THE UNIVERSE”???”
I wish I could be “chill” (as the kids these days say…). I wish I could trust someone else to just take over, but I can count on one hand the number of people in my life whom I actually trust enough to “be in charge”. Not only “be in charge” but also, “do things the right way”. Because there is a HUUUUUUUGE difference between “being in charge” and “doing things the right way”. Very rarely do you ever meet anyone with that magical combination of “being in charge” AND knowing how to do things properly (AKA the way I would do them) and when you meet them, it’s like capturing a beautiful, magical unicorn that you never, ever, EVER want to let go of. Because being around these magical creatures is the ONE opportunity you have to just… relax… and not worry… and instead you get to watch them carry the control freak burden around (quite capably, I might add…) and somewhere in the midst of watching them capably handle everything the “right way”, you discover you’ve actually fallen in love with them…
But inevitably, these magical creatures must spread their wings and fly away to unknown lands in which to spread the same joy and happiness to other control-freaks all over the world.
And just like that… I’m back to making sure everything is running properly.
Until, of course, I undoubtedly trip over myself and my good intentions and make not only a disaster of everything, but a complete fool of myself.
(I just love when that happens.)
And when that does inevitably happen, there’s God, just waiting… wondering if I’m done… wondering if I’m ready to give up… wondering if He’s one of the lucky, chosen few that I trust enough to take over.
And usually I am… until I’m not… because let’s face it… real true control freaks can never completely give up control… right? Because… sure… you can trust God but… it’s just that… He may not do it the way you think He should do it.
Um… all due respect, Lord, but… you’re doing it wrong.
That’s supposed to go over there.
And you’re timing is all off.
And that wasn’t on my five-year plan.
And I can see how you might think that would be a good idea, but I’m gonna tell you right now… it’s not.
Because, I already tried that. It didn’t work. I mean, you’re welcome to try it again, but… in my experience, it just wasn’t happening.
But… you know… to each their own… If you want to give it a whirl, by all means, have at it.
And then, just as you’re ready to take back the reins and get back on the horse (Because clearly God Almighty needs your help…) He gives you a wink and a nod and tells you on the way to the grocery store…
“Be still and know that I am God.” ~Psalm 46:10
And you’re all, “Okay. Got it. Sorry. I’ll let you be in charge. Again.” But you only do it half-heartedly because you have a plan and you’re just going to go ahead with the plan because the plan is the plan and YOU NEED TO STICK TO THE PLAN!
And then, that evening, as you open your evening prayers in “Magnificat”, the following words jump off the page…
“Fear not! Stand your ground, and you will see the victory the LORD will win for you today…. The LORD himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still.” ~Exodus 14:14
And the next morning’s scripture calendar reads…
“For by grace are you saved through faith; and that NOT OF YOURSELVES: IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD.” ~Ephesians 2:8
And just in case you still haven’t gotten the memo, the second reading at that morning’s Mass states….
“We hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the SURPASSING POWER MAY BE OF GOD AND NOT FROM US.” ~2nd Corinthians 4:7
Until FINALLY, you have to conclude that maybe, just maybe…
GOD WANTS YOU TO LET GO AND LET HIM.
Which is the hardest thing for a control freak to do.
But really… who is going to be more capable, more competent, and more adept at handling ALL your situations… in being the ULTIMATE control freak who not only knows how to take control but will do it PERFECTLY (He’s not even going to do it well. He’s going to do it perfectly… with perfect timing, perfect means and a perfect end result…) than your Heavenly Father?
Seriously. How dumb do we have to be before we let go?
I mean… I think He’s got this.